Defend your answer.
There are just some professors you will never forget even after some years have gone. You might have forgotten their names and maybe even their faces, but you don’t really forget the subjects they taught. Not necessarily because you learned anything from it, but because of the moments you and they shared. Precious moments where thoughts of strangulation and asphyxiation played morbidly on your mind, while you give them your close-up winning smile.
Thus, I will never…ever… forget my IntPhil (Introduction to Philosophy) professor. I think he enjoyed me quite well ahem, torturing me. Each time we had our long quizzes returned, I had a failing mark. Always 1 or 2 points away from passing. I don’t know why but he had this smirk on his face when he calls my name and hands me my paper. I believe my answers are just as good as my friends’, but he prefers the long and elaborate essays compared to my brief and concise answers. One time I tried doing it elaborately, still I failed.
I was seriously annoyed and worried that none of my efforts were meeting his requirements. For the finals, I reviewed all my notes all week, even to the point of memorizing each word. A week after the finals, came the dreaded CCD (Course Card Distribution Day). I was actually nervous, and it was quite obvious as I walked around in circles, anxious to know whether I made the cut or if I got cut.
When my turn came to enter the room, my very good friend Vicky, accompanied me because I was really nearing my very first nervous breakdown (and I was just 17 then…). So we enter, and lo! The smirk appears. I try my best to be calm, and utter, “Sir, did I pass?” for my distress was quite apparent. My tormentor smiles sardonically and says,
“What do you think? Defend your answer.”
I seriously wanted to twist his neck and forget about everything life has to offer. Then Vicky nudged me, distracting me from my enticingly morbid thoughts. I coughed and stared at the ebil professor for a few seconds before I graced him with the sweetest smile I can muster. Yes, even better than the sweet smiles one gives to the object of their affection and desires. Then I took the card and Vicky outside.
Did I pass? Lets just say, the students at Miguel Building at that time wondered if someone just won in the lottery.
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Finding my way back into…
Alright, the title sounds cheesy, but I love the song “Way Back Into Love”, and singing it awhile ago, I remembered I’ll be back on class this Monday. 
I’m both happy and sad. Happy since this means I will be able to get back on track, and hopefully finish the rest of my needed units till April, to be able to graduate on June. Sad since I don’t know much people anymore.
I’ve taken 3 consecutive leaves (so thats actually a year) after enrolling each term (and lasting a month then…boom.. I have to stop since the headaches start again), because I was suffering from what my neurologist said to be “cluster headaches”. It was terrible, and the medications I had to take made me so lethargic. I was given lots of relaxants to help ease the stress that was in part causing the headaches. It has been a very grueling experience and it saddens me a lot since I didn’t graduate on the date as everyone was expecting. It was hard to actually stay at home since I felt pretty much useless and tired, also I felt like I was a burden. Imagine, everyone was expecting that I will be graduating already and then I don’t. My aunt who helps in my tuition sent in money and it was wasted because I cannot get any refunds anymore after a month of classes has passed. Also the medicines had added extra expenses for my parents who have been struggling to send us all to school and still be able to keep us fed and alive.
I felt worthless, but I’m glad it happened. I learned many things while I was away from school. I was so stressed of school because everyone was expecting this and that, to the point that its all I think of and can’t even sleep at night. I’ve learned to not give in to what other people expect or want me to be. I can’t please everyone, and every time I try to, I just end up stressed because I have accepted too much obligations and responsibilities that what I can really handle. I like to multi-task, but I have found out that in doing so I risk my health and my life too.
This time when I go back to school, I’m taking everything a day at a time. I’ll finish eventually, and I’ll appreciate school more if I actually enjoyed my experiences rather than worry and stress over it. Hopefully once class starts, I’ll find my way back into loving college life and the experiences it brings me. Who knows I might even meet new friends and find something else too. 
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Finally, I can end the story.
So I haven’t been posting for the past 3 days, its been raining hard in here so I’ve been sleeping a lot. 
I love it when it rains, especially I get to just curl up in my bed wrapped in my warm blanket listening to the wind and rain. My cramps and bruised hips doesn’t hurt that much anymore, but I still don’t feel so well so I’m taking all the rest I can get.
So back to the “moment” I can never forget in Earthaven.
***
One of the things I can never forget about that trip was the activity we had the night before our departure back to the city. The facilitator called us all into the bonfire, it was really dark since it rained but he said we can still do the activity. Each one of us was given a bamboo to be lighted so we won’t get lost in the dark, and we made our way up into the mountain. With lighted bamboos on hand, we climbed the wet and slippery mountain again to its other side, holding hands and helping each other get to the top. He stops us when we reach the clearing and instructs us to leave our bamboos, line up in one row and all hold each other, arms clasped and locked together, and run as fast as we can to the top. When we got to the top, the end of that mile, all the weariness we felt as we were climbing up just faded away.
What welcomed us was a sight we rarely see. Right in front of us was the full view of the city, the place where we came before we arrived at Earthaven. We were standing at the edge of the mountain, and we were staring at the city like we were viewing something in a picture. Standing up there, you’ll feel overwhelmed by how big the city is, and how small we really are, but looking at it felt like I was larger than what I thought I was. Imagine, I can see the whole city, its slums, its houses, its highways, all the lights, and I can hear the drifting noises of the honks and beeps of cars, low and faint but I can hear it.
As we stared at everything you can’t help but sigh and feel sad, and feel peaceful at the same time. While I was staring there, I was thinking what might be that family in that little lighted house be doing at this time? Where they laughing and happy, complete as a family? Or in that small dark house, could there be someone crying longing for their parents, or even a loved one? I think, what could everyone be doing? I can see the flicker of lights, hear the faint but distinct honks and beeps of the cars, and I can’t help but wonder, amidst of all those noises do we still stop and stare at the sky?
While we were all standing there at the edge, we were crying as the facilitator shared with us about the story of other people who went there. They were Japanese students he said, and they were all so awed by how the sky was so pretty and the stars were so lovely. He said the students told him, it was the first time they saw stars. He asked them if they were serious and they answered him, “Yes. In our city, there are so many lights. You can’t see the starts when you look up anymore.” By then we were all crying harder, because sitting there we felt at peace and we just got there that day. What even made us cry more was our facilitators words, “Look at that place. That’s where you came from. You can see the pollution and you see the smog even if we’re far away. All that noise and lights. It never sleeps. And tomorrow, you will all be back there.”
I will never forget that place. Before we left that edge, a firefly lands on one of my friends hands. It was the first time we saw one. Our facilitator tells us, that fireflies are only able to live in a clean and balanced environment. If fireflies live and exist in your neighborhood, it was one way of determining your place is clean and pollution free. Somehow, I’ve never seen one again since that night in Earthaven.
I wonder when I’ll get the chance to find one again.
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Continuation of last entry…
I had to take some rest since I’ve been having stomach and pelvic cramps after I went to that erm, I don’t know what its called. So lets leave it at that. So here’s the continuation of the activities that we had.
By the way, here is a picture we took after we finished the last activity. We were cleaning up since we were a bit dirty from the activities we finished.
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The next activity, we had was catching our dinner. We were supposed to catch the chicken, but it kept running and flying off. Haha. Good thing the facilitator said it was alright even if we didn’t catch him, what matters was that we had fun doing it. After the unsuccessful “catch your dinner”, he asked who wanted to try crossing the huge log to the other side. We had 2 volunteers, and they looked so funny trying to cross it. i didn’t try it, since I’m not ready to try that yet. 
So after they had finally finished, we went on to our next activity, which was the mud crawl! I loved that activity. We had to crawl underneath a net that was covering a waterlily mud patch thing. It was so much fun, we had to crawl our way on th cold and sticky mud and waterlilies. We were also told to crawl while our heads was on the water, and we can only bring it up to breathe. Haha, all of us did it twice since it was so fun to do.
Here’s a picture of my friend Lucky in the mudcrawl:
***
After that, our facilitator said we were gonna go up the mountains. So we climbed up, it was quite a long climb and lots of big rocks were there too, when we got tired a bit, we found a small creek and we washed again because we were a bit itchy from the climb. Here’s us:
Then we continued our climb and reached the place where our facilitator wanted to take us to:
I’ll be posting the last activity tomorrow, where I sat and stared for what felt like such a long time, when in fact it was just a few minutes. Its the moment I always remember, and long to find again.
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Its been a long time since I last sat and stared…
I was browsing around last night after I posted, and I ran into this blog entry when I decided to check a blog because its name interested me. I was reading the article and I started to think and look back on how I used to just be able to sit and stare at the sky when I was younger, when my attention was not into computers and the other means of entertainment available today. Thinking back, one of my sit and stare experiences just stands out from the other moments I had just doing nothing, with my gaze and thoughts transfixed on what was around me, in front of me and above me.
It was back in September 2003 when I participated in a team-building activity in one of the student council departments, along with 7 other students who I just met. We headed on the second day to Earthaven, an ecovillage in Rizal, which is I think the last and only rain forest in Metro Manila. We arrive there blindfolded, it was part of the activity and tradition, and the sounds that met our ears as we entered the place was soothing, calming and invigorating. Since we couldn’t see anything, we are focused on the things we were hearing, like gongs, birds chirping, leaves rustling, river flowing and the sound of stillness and peace enveloped us. When our blindfolds were taken off, the vividness of the place was breathtaking. The trees, the water and everything about it was mesmerizing. I’ve never been there before, but there was a sense of a familiarity in it, and strangely I felt like I was home.
***
After registering in the cottage at the entrance, we were brought to the geo cafe for our snacks. We were given mango crepes and ice cold lemon grass juice in bamboo cuts. After the short introduction and discussions, the facilitator informed us of the activities we’ll do when we leave the cafe. After going down from the cafe, we walked towards the river area, there was a large rock there, with a cottage, and a tree with suspending ropes tied from this side to the other side which I figured out was a bridge. So first activity was something like we all had to climb in the large rock (we were 
and stay up there until we are able to finish singing our alma mater hymn. We are only given 15 minutes to do so, and to be able to advance to the next activity we have to finish and pass the task. If anyone of us isn’t on top of the rock after the time is up, that person is left and will not be able to continue on. It was a very difficult task because we were 8 people and we were of all shapes and sizes. Every time we failed to get on top of the rock, one of us would say leave me. But everyone kept saying no one is going to be left behind, and it was difficult and tiring, but we did it. All 8 of us, on one rock, holding and grasping each other making sure everyone doesn’t fall-off. To me it was a great achievement especially since we just knew each other a few days ago. We worked, thought and stayed together making sure that no one gets left behind.
***
The second activity was the trust activity. It was something like a “catch me when I fall” activity where one person was in the center and everyone is around her in a circle ready to catch her if she falls and push her back up and continue until the 3 minute time is up. The catch was that person in the middle, has to let herself fall, and entrust herself fully to her teammates. It wasn’t easy, especially when you were blindfolded and making yourself lean back and let yourself fall. We had to fully immerse ourselves in trust of our teammates, people we met just a few days ago. The first tries to let yourself go, and just believe and have faith in other people that they won’t let you fall down was excruciating. Even though you hear them say they will catch you, you doubt it and it was agonizing and scary. But the facilitator helps you by encouraging you, and telling you to ask yourself,
“Can I entrust myself to others? Am I willing to let my guards down and trust that these people around me will catch me and never let me fall? Can I find it in my heart, to listen and believe in these people as they tell me they are there to catch me?”
It took me 4 tries before I was able to let myself fall back. While I was falling, many thoughts came to my mind, but I just didn’t listen anymore and listened to my heart. When I felt their hands catch me and push me back up for the very first time, it made me cry hard. It was like I finally let go of something, that in letting myself fall I set myself free from doubts and insecurities. Letting myself fall back the second and the next few times was extremely easy and was so much fun because you know these people will catch you when you fall. This activity taught me more than just trusting others, it made me realize that once you took that first step to accepting and entrusting your heart and life to another person, it wasn’t hard to let other people come in and share your life. Once you are able to open that fort you’ve built around yourself, you’ll be able to learn that not everyone outside is an enemy. I should not let paranoia cloud my heart and attitudes, my mind and judgment.
***
The third activity was the bridge. And it was hard. I have been heavy since I was a child, so looking at that tall huge tree, seeing the rope and looking at the distance between both trees and the shallow river between it, it made me uneasy.
It was my turn, those left in this side was cheering me on, and even those who were on the other side and crossing back on the thinner rope below was encouraging each other that we can do it. I look at them and think on the last activity and I tell myself, its worth a shot. I’d rather try and fail, than run away without trying. I was gonna end up not joining the next activity if I get left behind, so I could at least try so I can console myself that I didn’t run away. It was hard getting on top of the tree where the rope bridge was, I had to climb using a knotted rope, the kind you use on tree houses and those combat training things. So I pushed myself, it wasn’t hard to push yourself when people are cheering you on. Its harder to disappoint them by just giving up, than actually pulling my weight up that rope to the platform above. Even though it was hard, I did it. That for me was an accomplishment already. I got to the top of the tree, now all I have to do is tell myself i can cross the bridge. Since it was just a rope, I had to shift my weight around and move with the bridge. I don’t know how but I did it. I felt so happy after that. I realized that even though I was heavier than others, I can do it too. I’ve been sheltering myself in a cocoon before, hiding away because i kept saying to myself I couldn’t do it because I was scared that I will fail. In pushing myself up and finishing that task, I finally started to see and understand that I was the one limiting myself on what I can achieve. If I went out there and tried, I will still be happy even if I failed because I knew I tried. I would rather know, than keep thinking to myself, what if I did this or that, forever.
*******
Its been a long entry already so i think I’ll post the continuation tomorrow.
*******
P.S. Here is my friend on the rope bridge, none of mine was taken, but if you look at the left corner, you’ll see my shorts, leg and shoes. I’m heavy. >.<
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