Forgive Yourself and Set Yourself Free
Did you ever had that feeling where you wished you can start your life all over again and maybe this time make things right? To make everything that you did wrong disappear and really start with a clean slate?
I did. This is the third time already. I wanted that first back when I was starting in high school. Many things happened during grade school that I wanted to avoid when I started HS but it seems I couldn’t really do it right then. Same thing after high school when I was starting college. I promised myself I’d be different, that I would be a much better person and I’d be happy. I’m here again at the exact situation I was back then. My life is a mess. I don’t know which direction I am headed for. I am lost and it feels like I’m losing everything, even my sanity as the days go by.
I wanted so much to start with a clean bill that I end up making all the mistakes I did much worse than they were before. I felt so scared to mess things up that I wasn’t able to focus on what to do and instead I focused on not what to do. I was watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding earlier, and although my life is a bit like Toula’s, I’m not sure it would end up that way and that is beside the point. What I was trying to get at was something Toula’s brother said to her which was a bit in jest when Toula was thinking about what she was doing in her life and in marrying Ian. He said something about not letting your past dictate your future but let it be part of who you will become.
Maybe that’s what my problem is. I’ve been trying so hard to make things perfect and put everything behind me like they never did happen that I can’t move on and be really happy. I can never be a whole person if I shove my past somewhere like dust under a rug. Just take that rug up a bit and blow a little wind and everything gets dirty again. Just what like Toula’s father said about oranges and apples. We are all different and it doesn’t matter because in the end we are all the same. It doesn’t matter if I’m different from others. I don’t need to change myself to become like them. In the end were all the same.
I’ve realized that acceptance of oneself, weaknesses, deficiencies and incapabilities included makes it easier to finally forgive myself for everything I did wrong in my life. I have to forgive myself so I can move on. Only then can I really ask for forgiveness from God because then I am able to say wholeheartedly for his love and forgiveness.
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