I haven’t said thank you yet.
I was at the university earlier (yes we still had classes even though everyone was on vacation already), and I stayed at the library for a bit and surfed around blogs. I clicked on bluepanjeet’s icon in the MyBlogLog box below this page, and checked out the communities he has joined. (I didn’t know why either but maybe it was some sign for the exact purpose of this post.) I went through each page, until I stopped on the last one, where I got the link to Bo Sanchez‘ site.
I enjoy his works, so I was quite elated to have seen the blog. I clicked on a random entry and it seemed that it was all destined by God. In the entry, “Take Charge“, Br. Bo related the elephant story. I’ve heard of it before and was quite intrigued by the logic of it, but I never did relate it to human experiences, especially not to my own. In this story, the sad process of how elephants are tamed is told. It starts on its childhood. They are tied with strong ropes and as they try to release themselves by struggling (while failing each time it does) the thought of helplessness becomes ingrained in their minds thus making them give up trying. To them it seems futile to struggle and get out of the ropes that bind them because they will just fail. That even if these amazing creatures have the strength to free themselves now that they are older and bigger, they do not try to unbind themselves anymore. They have grown resigned to the fact that they cannot get out of the bind they are in.
So what does it have to do with this post you might ask. Its the reason this post exists. You see, I am pretty much like them, those bound elephants. I have told about my one year leave story to some people but they don’t know the struggles that came with it. I am the only one left in my block, and maybe my batch, who haven’t finished yet. I’m on my fifth year and I had no friends who were studying at the university anymore. They have graduated and started working, and I rarely have communication with them since they are all busy with their own lives now. It took its toll on me. I lost my will to continue studying. Its not easy to explain, and its even harder to understand unless you are on the same boat as me, or at least experienced it. I developed my own learned helplessness. I thought to myself that I can’t seem to do anything right, I might as well resign to failing and give up. That was my way of thinking since everyone graduated and until the early part of this term. I was on the verge of failing. I hadn’t been attending my classes (part of it was my headaches and part of it was my resignation of failing) and was feeling really sick of myself because I felt helpless. But all that changed because of a short talk I had with my 2 new friends whom I’ve gotten to know through Yahoo Messenger and Wordpress Pinoys.
It was partly Kath, but the greater bulk came from Jean. I hadn’t slept that day at all and had an early class and I was feeling shitty (Pardon my language). I felt like crying but had no one to cry to, plus I was on a conference with kath and jean. Out of the blue, I just blurted my problem to them in passing. Much to my surprise, they chastised me. Like an older sister does to her younger siblings. It didn’t dawn on me to be annoyed, instead I was elated and joyed that I cried. You see, I’m an eldest child. Being one, I have been entrusted with a responsibility for my younger siblings and most of the time I just feel tired that I always care for people but they don’t seem to care for me in return. When kath and jean confronted me and talked to me, I was overwhelmed of their reaction, that instead of them brushing me aside, they took their time to talk to me.
I talked to jean some more after kath had to leave and she helped me get through with my learned helplessness. She understood my situation, how it felt and helped me realize that there was still a chance to make up for the lost time. She made me realize that I need to unbind myself from the ropes I thought tied me down forever. That day while walking on the hallway to my classes, I was chanting, “Kaya ko toh. Kaya ko toh.” (I can do this, I can do this) since it was the mantra jean and I talked about before I showered and headed to school. I had to brace myself on the railings in the Velasco building just so I won’t chicken out and run out of the building to hide in the library again. And after that day, everything changed. I’m now attending my classes and my fear of professors has mellowed down. I don’t think of them as monsters out to fail me and I feel much much better.
So this post is my thanks to Jean and Kath. I won’t be here if you guys didn’t help me free myself from the helplessness I felt. I wouldn’t have met new friends in school if I had continued escaping from my classes, and I would not be closer to graduating if you weren’t there when I needed help the most. I thank God for introducing you to me. Though our friendship started online, I consider you my friends even if I’m offline.
Thank You.
Popularity: 10% [?]
Comments
6 Responses to “I haven’t said thank you yet.”
Leave a Reply
-
Join now!
[...] my memories. And I now invite the following to examine their lives and search for the number 7: Nika, JeanGrey, Kath, BlueP, Mee, Foobarph and [...]
you’re a good girl nika. tama ka, kaya mo yan. at salamat din for your help whenever i poke you even if you are supposed to be busy
[Reply]
di ko akalain sa pagka bungisngis mo na yan eh may kalungkutan ka pa rin pala na itinatago. kunsabagay, ako rin madalas ganyan. tama ka, kaya mo yan! at yung may nakikinig lang sa mga wento natin na may kwenta man o wala o malaking bagay talaga para mapagaan ang loob natin.
mabuti kang tao, niks. nasa aura mo.
[Reply]
‘musta ka na, ‘ija? nadaan lang… tumingin kung ano gimik mo ngayong undas
[Reply]
narine’ pala si kenkay… hi! kenkay, thanks for responding to my comment on your blog.
[Reply]
nica, got to see your blog from a trackback at Bo’s article.
Count your blessings. take note that there are a lot more people under much more miserable circumstances right now (me, included). Sometimes I wish the problems that comes my way are as easy as what has I came through already. But as they say, “the only easy day was yesterday”.
[Reply]